Finding Presence

There is a woman I have come to engage with online. Her name is Seanin, oh, she is mystical. I ran across her in a group she is an oracle reader. She IS power. She embodies this wisdom and light and as someone new to this world I wanted to know more about her immediately because of her uniqueness. Recently she has gone through a transformation, more like an activation, and now transmutes light codes in the form of movement, energy and sound. It sounds strange, I know but I'll be honest, I've never seen or heard anything more beautiful. From the first time I heard it a shift happened...a cracking open of something familiar deep within my soul memory.

She still reads cards and recently on a live video she pulled one for me. This was a first and it was on a day in which my mind was so clouded with pressure from all that I was wanting to do that I felt I was about to explode. She had several messages for me.

1. There is something crumbling in me...a deep transformation happening that I am aware of and accepting but I'm not taking the time to let it integrate. I'm just kind of saying "great, let's do this" and then incorporating it in some way that makes sense at the time and adding it to my list. She said I need to rest. She reminded me that there is a place between sleep and the "doing" that I am bypassing. A state of meditation where I can fully accept and integrate all that is coming my way.

2. I have a wall up and am finding it hard to be around others especially if I am not feeling supported or if I don't feel a connection within the social structure. She said that I am retreating but that I need the social aspect in my life. Instead of pulling away I need to speak my needs. I need to speak my requirement to be accepted for exactly who I am, what I need and be clear that if they can't accept me for what I am doing then I can walk away. But, I can't avoid the conversations any longer. The words actually have to be spoken.

3. I am not a Reiki Healer. I am. But, I'm not. I am a Healer. I have difficulty with the term "healer" so I have resistance around this but the message is to not put myself in a box. Seanin also said what I do, or will do once I come fully into my power, has no name. Yet. But, I need to be face to face with people, even if it's over video, so that the full scope of what I do can come to light and that if I can connect, and allow others to connect with me in that way, my mediumship will grow even stronger. This scares the living shit out of me because being seen, truly being witnessed in a vulnerable state, is extremely uncomfortable. I want to be seen but I don't want to put myself out there either. I do, but I don't. It's a tug o' war. But....when I first began Reiki, I was talking with the gals in the room about how I could incorporate this into my future life (more on that later). And providing Reiki via video was one of the visions we all saw collectively. Doing energy work under the stars, under the moon, on the water or in mystical lands as my backdrop with my clients in front of me. I guess that vision holds true....maybe one day I'll get the courage to do so.

So, what to do with this information?

In the moment that followed the reading I decided I needed to complete one more task and then I was done.

Done for the week. Done with the doing. I needed to get still. Quiet. I needed to be fully present for myself and for the people in my life. I limited my screen time. I sat in silence with my love's head on my lap. I breathed. I listened. I tuned in. I engaged in difficult conversations that were full of honest dialogue and no pretense....just to heal the connection. I spent time with my friends and family without distraction, without the need to be doing something else, just fully engaging, observing and laughing. I read. I listened to music. I did all the things that I have bypassed for months in order to meet goals and time limits I had placed on myself. I had turned myself into a spinning anxiety attack.

At the end of the weekend I felt full.

Full of light.

Full of love.

FULL.

I woke up on Monday feeling confident that this is how I should be living. That taking time is so much more important than the rushing and doing. That I accomplish a hell of a lot more by slowing down and putting priority on the things and people that matter most. I may need to-do lists for work but work is not my life.

My life it not a to-do list.

My life is simply, and gratefully, just my life and it is the greatest gift I was given. My duty is to live my life. Fully and completely. And to find the magic in the moment, the beauty in the ordinary and let myself get lost in the present.