The Hibernation

It's been a long 4 months. A stretch of time that followed a month of absolute chaos.

Hurricane Florence

Leaving my long-time employer.

Planning a wedding.

Selling everything I own (well, almost).

Getting married.

Moving on to a sailboat with my husband and dog.

Trying to build my own business.

After so much activity, was I ready for a rest? Yes, absolutely. I expected days full of sunrises and sunsets, endless walks on the beach, cooking out on the back of the sailboat, tuning in to the cycles of the Moon and Mama Earth. It has been that...but, if I'm really honest, rarely.

The past 4 months has felt like I've been dying slowly in a coffin. Think of a coffin and how you have to slide the cover off...that's just like the boat. I have felt like I'm turning into a vampire...an angry, despondent, life-sucking vampiress. And I hate it.

Wilmington, where we are currently anchored, has received a record amount of rainfall. This means days without natural light. This means running in the rain to the bathroom. Opening the hatch of the boat to grab a drink out of the cooler and having cold rain sting your face. It means being stuck inside, without fresh air flowing, with the same person day in, day out. It was the heart-breaking loneliness of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's boredom. Darkness. Anger. Depression. Loneliness. Silence and silent screams. If it sounds miserable...it was.

I lost it. My faith, my temper, every inch of my composure. Many times. Waves of rage and anger rolled through my psyche daily. Wanting to throw open the hatch of our sailboat and scream at Mother Nature and say "ENOUGH!" But, that would surely garner looks from our marina neighbors and a not-so-gentle chiding from my husband. Instead, I took it out on my poor husband when the feelings got to be too much. Sometimes, this was silence. Or snide remarks. Or flat out ignorance. I won't speak for him but I'm sure that he would say I wasn't the most pleasant to be around.

But, he hasn't left me yet...which I am mildly surprised by. And the days have become drier with longer stretches of clear skies, balmy temperatures and birds singing. And I am grateful.

And as the days grow longer, I reflect on all that happened in the darkness. Friendships grew closer and drifted away. Groups of rock solid support split up as we all found our own way through the wet stain of the muck of winter. I learned how to be a wife in some of the harshest of circumstances. I grew in my shadow of spirituality and allowed my intuitive gifts to be my lighthouse. Darkness became my companion. I learned emotional resilience, embraced daily self-forgiveness and became content with an uncommon, unscheduled life. I, we, made it through moments where we thought we wouldn't make it.

I know...it sounds so dramatic. It was. And it wasn't. As the sun sheds light on the last 4 months I look back and laugh. At the pressure I imposed on myself and others. At my impatience. But, that's where the forgiveness comes in. That's where I've grown the most.

See, in the dark shadows I became my own worst enemy. In the silence, my ego whispered horrible things to my heart. The words that ran through my head were vicious, hateful and berating. I would never have spoken to anyone the way I spoke to myself. Under the light of the last full moon, I spoke these words out loud to a dear friend. The look on her face made me realize the gravity these words. I was breaking my own spirit over and over again. I decided right then and there that I would no longer spit vileness at myself. I had to change my internal dialogue. I had to practice self-love, self-forgiveness and self-compassion. I set a reminder on my phone 3x a day to be sure that I was checking in to my own thoughts. Were they hateful or were they loving? Was I being kind to myself or impatient?

I also spoke with my husband at length about what was happening with me. He met me where I was with compassion and love...and explained this period as our hibernation. He promised it wouldn't always be like this; that there would be days of hard work, sweat, travel and that soon we would be begging for a break. He also said that this was part of being in tune with nature....and that this is our time to rest and prepare. This was our dark moon.

I'm grateful that just as the rain started to pull back it's blanket of darkness, my thought patterns had changed completely. I had broken free of the vicious cycle I had been stuck in. And light slowly started creeping in through my self-imposed cracks. Hibernation became my liberation. And with it, there were gifts.

Running Water.

Refrigeration.

Laughter.

Mini ice cubes that weren't store bought.

An updated living space.

Fresh air.

Stars shining in the night sky.

And inspiration.

Shortly, we will be leaving and heading north. A welcome deviation from our original plan. There is much to do and only a few weeks to do it in. Thus, our hibernation has officially come to an end.